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Ever wondered where those crazy statistics come from in online polls? Or who posts those disturbing videos on Youtube? Who the hell is hacking your sister’s photobucket?

I now reveal the force behind these and other malevolent acts on the internet. The 4chan basement dweller. With pale skin, longish hair, and empty pizza boxes on the floor, this guy makes me mad jealous.

His staggering good looks just make wish that I too could sit around all day playing Crysis on my new Nvidia graphics card. His ability to logically refute any argument I make by using implications and carefully crafted non-verbal reactions is impressive.

I toast to you 4chan basement dweller – I wish I were you.